Life has been changing all around me left and right.  I had told my husband in January that I somehow knew that this was going to be a tough year for me...and it has been.  But, here is some food for thought...has it been a hard year because I sensed something and it has come to pass; has it been hard because of a self fulfilling prophecy; has it been hard because of life situations; and/or has it been tough because I spoke those words and it has come to pass?  Well, to be honest, I think that it has been a result of a little of all of the aforementioned reasons. 

Of course, my mother passed away on Easter Sunday.  Prior to that, she took a turn for the worse and that was really hard to get through...then her death...yes....I can finally say that word and not totally break down in tears.  I still have my moments though.  There are stages when going through the loss of a loved being anger....and I experienced that much to my surprise.  I had been an active member of the Pazzles Craft Room for many,many years.  That was where I recognized how angry I was. You see, when I would post things there and then read the responses, usually everything was fine...I was always trying to help people.  But, to be honest, there were certain people who were really starting to grate on my nerves.  I was lashing out.  I recognized it when I went back and read what I had written in response to some of their questions.  I realized that I was actually angry with some people who never did anything to hurt me, be mean to me, or whatever...but I was angry with them...they were getting on my nerves.  It was then that I decided that I needed a break.  I like to be an edifier and not a basher. That is not me.  Things that never bothered me were suddenly starting to grate on my nerves...I was becoming vindictive. was time for some counseling and reprieve time.  It has paid off.  I find myself staying alone more than ever before.  My hubby and friends were concerned about this, but after talking to the experts and reading literature on the matter, I have found out that it is a part of recovery.  It isn't like I am being a hermit...but I want to be alone.  I don't want to talk about Mom with other people.  It is kind of a selfish feeling....I want to keep her memory all to myself for the time being.

Another thing that I have learned is that we have to have a good temperament while we are healing for people who have your "best interests" in mind.  I had someone tell me that it has been over a month and that I needed counseling because I was acting angry and that that wasn't like me.  To be honest, I WAS angry...not because of the fact that I was mourning....but because of the situation.  Let me tell you that for most of us, it takes a lot more than one month to grieve the loss of a loved one. So, yeah...I was getting angry at some of the things that I had to deal with regarding people who I love.  Argh...but isn't that life?  LOL....I can laugh now...but at the time...I cried...and then I cried....and then I cried some more.  I find that I can laugh that is a positive thing.  My mother would approve because she had a wonderful sense of humor.

But, getting back to the initial paragraph, part of what I think has caused my "problems" is that I spoke it into the world. I know...I am a Christian and that sounds New Age-ish.  But, I disagree.  We have to be careful what we allow to come out of our mouths. I had slipped and now have repented for saying that.  I should have spoken a blessing instead of a curse.  A curse?!  Yes....I spoke negatively and that was a curse that I spoke on myself.  How many times have YOU done that?!  We generally are harder on ourselves than we are on others.  How many times has someone blessed you with a compliment only to have your mouth open and the words that came out were a negative rebuttal....oh it isn't that should see the mistakes I made...It could have been was nothing.  God blesses us with people in our lives to build us up and to edify us whenever we need it and then we curse ourselves with the words that come out of our own mouths.

 I think that it is a learned behavior.  We were taught to be not shine in front of others.  But, we shouldn't belittle ourselves either.  We need to learn to accept compliments and then to shut up...LOL!  We need to agree once in a while...yes, I worked hard on this, thank you!....I like it, but the next time, I think that I will try to improve on it....I made a lot of mistakes in making/doing this, but I will try to learn from them to make it easier the next time.  We need to learn to speak negative thoughts in positive ways so thatGod's blessings will continue to flow our way, but also so that we show Him gratitude for the gifts that He has given to us. 

On the same note, when others state negative things to us, we need to spin it into a positive way as well.  For example, when my friend said that I should be over my mother because it has been over a month...instead of crying in defense...I should have said something may or may not be right....but research shows that there are different time frames for different people depending on the relationship that they had and their individual personalities...and then walk away.  It takes a lot of practice, but it can be done.  We need to stop being so self destructive and start being more supportive of ourselves.  We need to learn to love ourselves enough to respect ourselves and to stop second guessing ourselves. 

So, that is my soapbox moment for this month.  I hope that it helped you to want to support yourself.  I am not saying that there are times when we are wrong, should admit to what we said/did....but nobody is perfect either. We need to forgive others who offend us and to not allow others to offend us.  We need to choose our friends wisely and to clean our our friendship closets every so often.  I did that several years ago.  I had a friend who basically started using me to her own advantage...yet stopped being there for me whenever I needed her.  It was a very hard decision doing that. I prayed about it a lot.  I realized that I was not at my best whenever I was or had been around her.  I didn't like myself or how I felt about the things that she would try to manipulate. So, I ended our friendship. You would have thought that I had broken up with a boyfriend...there was a void...and emptiness...because if you think about confide an awful lot to your BFs...and when they are out of your life...there is that void.  So, that is when you depend on God.  That is when you ask God to bring a true friend into your life.  That is what I did....and believe it or prayer was specifically answered.  I had prayed that God would bring me a friend like the friends that I had had when I lived a thousand miles away...where people were solid nurturing individuals.  Guess what....not only did He bring that kind of female friend into my life...but she is from my old hometown.  We never met while we both lived there.  We went to all of the same events and knew some of the same people...yet somehow we never met.  But, God introduced us both together here in Florida.  Weird?  Coincidental? was the Hand of God. 

Well....I will finally stop talking now.  I was long-winded again...sorry.  Remember to smell the roses as you walk down the path that God has chosen for you...He put them there just for that purpose.  Enjoy your life and yourself.  Be fair to yourself...protect yourself.  After all...there is only one of you to go around.  Treat yourself just like better than you would your fine china.  You would never just throw it into the dishwasher and handle it gently so that it won't break.  Don't you think that you are better than that? :-)